you couldn't kick jokes

The point of being sarcastic is that its cool and effortless. But two weeks later, theres still no sign of the mutt. Reproduction without explicit permission is prohibited. That didnt suit my husband. I thought, thats Abba-riginal. /*# sourceMappingURL=https://www.redditstatic.com/desktop2x/chunkCSS/TopicLinksContainer.3b33fc17a17cec1345d4_.css.map*/, A standard British one is "You couldn't organise a piss-up in a brewery.". Whats E.T. Could fuck up a two car funeral. Rub one ball and everything moves.". .LalRrQILNjt65y-p-QlWH{fill:var(--newRedditTheme-actionIcon);height:18px;width:18px}.LalRrQILNjt65y-p-QlWH rect{stroke:var(--newRedditTheme-metaText)}._3J2-xIxxxP9ISzeLWCOUVc{height:18px}.FyLpt0kIWG1bTDWZ8HIL1{margin-top:4px}._2ntJEAiwKXBGvxrJiqxx_2,._1SqBC7PQ5dMOdF0MhPIkA8{vertical-align:middle}._1SqBC7PQ5dMOdF0MhPIkA8{-ms-flex-align:center;align-items:center;display:-ms-inline-flexbox;display:inline-flex;-ms-flex-direction:row;flex-direction:row;-ms-flex-pack:center;justify-content:center} Peterson, she begins, would you say youre honest? Honest? replies the lawyer. Just to be sure, I went around the block and passed the same spot, driving even more slowly. I couldn't believe the . We missed the R!, Father! cries the young monk. I wanna see my real parents! I was in the emergency room when a young male nurse came in to ask routine medical questions. During the Civil War, my great uncle fought for the west! Rodney Dangerfield. Jenna and Bill are finishing up a dinner date. ", "Studies show that women who carry extra weight live longer than men who bring it up.". What did the policeman say to his hungry stomach? Im addicted to Twitter! The doctor replies, Sorry, Im not following you.. My Grandmother's favorite saying was actually a song. But the left arm is a lot longer than the right arm, he complained. He approaches the dead man's wife, and asks if he could say a word. As my mate's best man, I tried to set up a brewery visit for his stag weekend. I dont know, but the flag is a big plus. I didnt know my dad was a construction site thief, but when I got home all the signs were there. We can hold ourselves accountable with self-compassion, and our partners can let us know about their hurt while remembering that we are imperfect and lovable. 79. While the professor was impressed with my work, she said she had deducted a few marks for a spelling error. Create an account to follow your favorite communities and start taking part in conversations. As they are walking out of the restaurant, Jenna starts to rifle through her purse to find her keys. He replied, Only if she starts hanging out at hardware stores and buys a lot of power tools.. They get really upset. Since Margaret was gone several minutes, she felt the need to explain her absence to me: My friend and I arent able to spend much time together anymore because she is more decapitated than I am. Submitted by Vicki Alum, At a job review, my boss told me this year the company would compensate for inflation but that additional raises would be considered on a case-by-case basis. Press J to jump to the feed. Weeks? He must pay for his mistake. 4 / 20. If you smile whilst youre giving your smartass quote, youre going to take away its power. Marie Faustin, comedian. It read, Mr. .ehsOqYO6dxn_Pf9Dzwu37{margin-top:0;overflow:visible}._2pFdCpgBihIaYh9DSMWBIu{height:24px}._2pFdCpgBihIaYh9DSMWBIu.uMPgOFYlCc5uvpa2Lbteu{border-radius:2px}._2pFdCpgBihIaYh9DSMWBIu.uMPgOFYlCc5uvpa2Lbteu:focus,._2pFdCpgBihIaYh9DSMWBIu.uMPgOFYlCc5uvpa2Lbteu:hover{background-color:var(--newRedditTheme-navIconFaded10);outline:none}._38GxRFSqSC-Z2VLi5Xzkjy{color:var(--newCommunityTheme-actionIcon)}._2DO72U0b_6CUw3msKGrnnT{border-top:none;color:var(--newCommunityTheme-metaText);cursor:pointer;padding:8px 16px 8px 8px;text-transform:none}._2DO72U0b_6CUw3msKGrnnT:hover{background-color:#0079d3;border:none;color:var(--newCommunityTheme-body);fill:var(--newCommunityTheme-body)} Having trouble crafting the perfect message for a birthday card? Then they responded, confused, Excuse me, maam, but youre at Tim Hortons. Submitted by Wendy Singedonk. Gets jalapeo business! A man gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom. Couldn't find his way through a maze even if the rats helped him. Then they call me ugly and poor.". Who could think of safe, new football jokes? If anything, it made him more sluggish. They left a little note, it said Parking Fine. Tim Vine. ", "It's thinly sliced cabbage. All you need to do is take seven lemons, squeeze the juice into a glass and drink the juice. Will that cleanse my sin from me? No, but itll wipe that stupid smile off your face.Submitted by Edward F. Castellanos, You wont be able to un-see these funny stock photos. Chuck actually died four years ago, but the Grim Reaper can't get up the courage to tell him. I had only that single dollar, and I had to make a decision: Give it to his worthy cause or keep it. Breathing. [Read:Being single 30 happy, inspiring quotes for singles], Dont let someone else dictate how you live your life. And what was that? Its just as I thoughtyou dont know.Submitted by Gene Newman. 25 of the most textbook Alan Partridge quotes Submitted by Isaac Sargent, I was staying in a hotel where the towels were so thick that I could hardly close my suitcase. So they each go into the woods, find a bear, and attempt to convert it. '", "My grandfather had the heart of a lion and a lifetime ban from the Central Park Zoo. Now, congratulate yourself by all means but do it silently. Submitted by Janet Winkler, A businessman flying first class is sitting next to a parrot. Submitted by Mark Flowerdew, Fresh out of gift ideas, a man buys his mother-in-law a large plot in an expensive cemetery. This is my step ladder. Why dont you go see a psychiatrist? suggests the collie. He doesnt look at all dangerous to me. I listened in and overheard Mitch say to Matt, Even if you were an only child, you still wouldnt be Mom and Dads favourite. Submitted by Denise Horn, While working the beverage cart at the local golf course, a customer asked me if I could go back to the previous green to see if she had left her sandwich there. Well get ready, because Im about to be gorgeous., 27. ', Dad replies, 'We are your real parents, son. ! Doctor: Nine.. When he answered the door, he found a six-foot-tall cockroach standing in front of him. Yes, I said. Chuck Norris doesn't have good aim. Because he broke all the records. I told my friend 10 jokes to get him to laugh. Thanks for the compliment [Read: 20 Smart medieval insults in English that should make a comeback], 48. What do you call a dog that does magic tricks? Submitted by Wendy Davis, My mother asked me to hand out invitations to my brothers surprise party. Thats exactly the effect you want to have! and the one on the right is where I go to church., The man sneers, Thats the church I used to attend!, Doctor, I think my wife is getting hard of hearing., Theres a simple test you can run to see how bad the problem is: Start out 40 feet away from her, and in a normal conversational speaking tone say something and see if she hears you. Thats Mums side.. Trying to brighten his outlook, the psychiatrist took him to a room filled with toys. Someone on the other side of the wall screamed, Hey, you jerk! Ive decided to sell my Hoover it was just collecting dust. She looks great! After downing a few, the blind man asks where the bathroom is. ._3-SW6hQX6gXK9G4FM74obr{display:inline-block;vertical-align:text-bottom;width:16px;height:16px;font-size:16px;line-height:16px} Check out the funniest comedies on Netflix Canada right now. I want to provide you with some questions to invite reflection and conversation. Im addicted to brake fluid, but I can stop whenever I want. Tap To Copy. 50 of Jimmy Carrs funniest jokes and one-liners Why did the orthopedic doctor always put hats on the knees of his patients? New Flat-Panel Television Pitch Turn-Signal Vermilion Credit-Card Magnetic-Strip Coal Netflix-Envelope Scarlet Cubicle Ecru Unraked-Leaves Sienna Energy-Efficient Fluorescent-Bulb Quartz Blue-Screen-of-Death CobaltSubmitted by Casey Johnston, One day, when it was raining heavily, my boss asked me to water the plants outside the office. Submitted by Chelsea Larson, I was out walking with my daughters one evening when, suddenly, my two-year-old looked up and asked, Who folded the moon? Submitted by Julianna Waldner. And how long has it been since your last confession?, I was playing chess with my friend and he said, Lets make this interesting. So we stopped playing chess.Matt Kirshen, A man comes to Mrs. Smiths door and says, Theres been an accident at the brewery. Well! responds the friend. Please, not while Im eating.Submitted by Shirleen Slabber, I got an A on my very first university English paper. Dont miss this roundup of thefunniest one-liners on the Internet. Doctor: Im sorry but you suffer from a terminal illness and have only 10 to live. Patient: What do you mean, 10? Last night me and my girlfriend watched three DVDs back to back. Uncle Ben has died. 5. Ill call you back when youre alone. Jim Pietsch in The New York City Cab Drivers Joke Book, If I pay $40 for a haunted house I better die. @hodgesboi15, Have children while your parents are young enough to take care of them. Rita Rudner, A mom texts, Hi! Im coming over to live with you. To which her mother replies, No, no, darling. Sadly, female airline pilots are still relatively rare. Later that evening, he parked his pickup in front of Sarahs house and left it there all night. This isnt my child. GCFL.net, A skeleton walks into a bar. Curious, he went to the store and handed the ticket to the owner, who headed to the back of the store before reappearing. The guy slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, walks past his screaming wife, and rips open the wardrobe door. Submitted byLucinda Rajaselvan, The police are called to an apartment and find a woman standing over a lifeless man, holding a bent and twisted five-iron. Light travels faster than sound. What are you doing? the baffled psychiatrist asked. Submitted by Jennifer Estlin, Moved by the church service, the richest man in town stood up and addressed the congregation. All rights reserved. He is assigned to helping the other monks in copying the old laws of the church by hand. Ye gads, matey, says Morty. I lived in the Alps rescuing avalanche victims. But in honour of Saint Patrick, I thought Id buy you a sham-rock.Anonymous, My wifes clinic called my home number to tell me that they couldnt accept 911 as her emergency contact. So I gave him all the money I had. Diddly-squats. A reliable jokenever fails to break the ice during social interactions, and goodness knowssome of us can use all the help we can get in those situations! /*# sourceMappingURL=https://www.redditstatic.com/desktop2x/chunkCSS/IdCard.ea0ac1df4e6491a16d39_.css.map*/._2JU2WQDzn5pAlpxqChbxr7{height:16px;margin-right:8px;width:16px}._3E45je-29yDjfFqFcLCXyH{margin-top:16px}._13YtS_rCnVZG1ns2xaCalg{font-family:Noto Sans,Arial,sans-serif;font-size:14px;font-weight:400;line-height:18px;display:-ms-flexbox;display:flex}._1m5fPZN4q3vKVg9SgU43u2{margin-top:12px}._17A-IdW3j1_fI_pN-8tMV-{display:inline-block;margin-bottom:8px;margin-right:5px}._5MIPBF8A9vXwwXFumpGqY{border-radius:20px;font-size:12px;font-weight:500;letter-spacing:0;line-height:16px;padding:3px 10px;text-transform:none}._5MIPBF8A9vXwwXFumpGqY:focus{outline:unset} Whats your last wish? Well, Ive always wanted to donate a kidney.Submitted by Robert L. Jaffee, Growing up with a curious younger brother and a sharp-eared dad led to some memorable conversations as a teenager. Hes in the village over the other direction.. The wife smiles, and says 'Thank you, that means a lot.'". "What's the difference between ignorance and apathy? And for a shave? Five dollars. All right, he said, settling into the barber chair. Then, it hit me. 27 of Sarah Millicans laugh out loud jokes W hen you're at a loss for words but want to tell someone that he or she is stupid, remember some these quips from our collection here at Aha! As they are walking out of the restaurant, Jenna starts to rifle through her purse to find her keys. Preparing to challenge the prof, I stood up and stopped flipping through my assignment. The walls are so clean you cant run up them. She glares at the other little boy and asks, What do you want for breakfast? 40 of the funniest jokes about Brexit Then it dawned on me. They planet. What did the baby corn say to its mom? He says to the man, "We're going to have to give you a drug test.". ._3Z6MIaeww5ZxzFqWHAEUxa{margin-top:8px}._3Z6MIaeww5ZxzFqWHAEUxa ._3EpRuHW1VpLFcj-lugsvP_{color:inherit}._3Z6MIaeww5ZxzFqWHAEUxa svg._31U86fGhtxsxdGmOUf3KOM{color:inherit;fill:inherit;padding-right:8px}._3Z6MIaeww5ZxzFqWHAEUxa ._2mk9m3mkUAeEGtGQLNCVsJ{font-family:Noto Sans,Arial,sans-serif;font-size:14px;font-weight:400;line-height:18px;color:inherit} But it was me first day with the hook.. Sometimes you just want to make somebody laugh, but are pushed for time. Mom: Avocado, After my wife accidentally swallowed my prostate medication, our daughter called a pharmacist to ask whether there was any cause for alarm. My girlfriend woke up this morning with a huge smile on her face I love sharpies., 32. ' @woodyluvscoffee. From the best clean jokes for adults to funny clean jokes of the day, this big SFW list has something hilarious for everyone: kids, teens, seniors and co-workers. Sometimes life leads you astray with no one to turn to. The feel-good session ended when I read the fortune cookie: You will soon be reunited with a good friend. Stanley Heerboth, My wife does this cute thing now and then where she goes out shopping for next years yard sale items. @cravin4. 39 of the greatest Brass Eye and Day Today quotes He got out three times to go to the bathroom., When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.Henry Youngman, A guy goes ice fishing for the very first time. This is my first day driving a cab. One day I nearly choked on part of The Sunday Times. Milton Jones. The older sister paused, then said, Spell mosquito. The best time to add insult to injury is when youre signing somebodys cast. Demetri Martin, Years ago I used to supply Filofaxes for the mafia. How do you know? My dog told me.Submitted by Sourabh Bhatia, A man with a huge grin approaches a priest. The best of thymes, the worst of thymes. Wow these drinks are big!, The bartender replies, Everything is big in Texas.. He said Thanks! I said Dont mention it., I was playing chess with my friend and he said, Lets make this interesting. 10. Listen, the crook says, you dont want any trouble, and neither do I. It can only become stairs.Mitch Hedberg, What I dont like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day. Phyllis Diller. They all laughed when I said I wanted to be a comedian. Late one evening, Norms doorbell rang. Theyre so noisy, he complained. You wont believe these crazy (but true) drive thru worker stories. What kind of exercise do lazy people do? Last New Years Eve, I finished work and raced to catch the bus, but by 12:10 it still hadnt come, so I figured Id likely missed it. ' . Im 49.95. When my nine-year-old son, Simon, saw the T-shirt, he asked, Yes, but how much with tax? Submitted by Gilles St-Laurent. Is a baby covered in cream, saying, Ah! The air is so fresh it smells like flowers. Stop! cries the second cockroach. Luckily I was the one facing the telly. I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather. ! Now, in addition to feeling embarrassed, Jenna also feels invalidated. [Read: 19 life quotes to motivate you to live a better life], 23. A man walks into a rooftop bar and takes a seat next to another guy. His instructions were to walk around town using a code phrase until he met his fellow agent. It is ranked top 3 sports in America. Are you at peace with God?, Larry replies, God and I are tight. Face your problems, dont Facebook them., 4. Between you and me, something smells. Submitted by Tim Vine, Q: What do you call twin police officers? Submitted by Rita Hickey, A little boy was sitting beside me in the hospital waiting room. ._3bX7W3J0lU78fp7cayvNxx{max-width:208px;text-align:center} This particular genie, however, states that she can deliver only one wish, not the standard three. When Im done, poof! He really is your son! Detector: Beep.. Want to turn someones frown upside down? I believe that God blessed that decision, and that is why I am a millionaire today. As he sat down, a woman shouted, I dare you to do it again.Submitted by Debra Miteff, A job applicant was asked, What would you consider to be your main strengths and weaknesses? Well, he began, my main weakness would definitely be my issues with realitytelling whats real from whats not. Okay, said the interviewer. Dont go through life unprepared! [Read: 101 savage good comebacks for every witty, funny or rude comeback], 1. Members call in sick, but they all show up for the meeting. You cant make somebody love you. short for? Professor of Logic Merch: https://www.redbubble.com/people/robtzn/shop?asc=uFollow on Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/sparkleforesst Mr. Ten what? Wow, thats incredible, the doctor says. ._2Gt13AX94UlLxkluAMsZqP{background-position:50%;background-repeat:no-repeat;background-size:contain;position:relative;display:inline-block} I told my doctor that I broke my arm in two places. Thats where we come in! Follow us on Instagram Facebook Twitter Pinterest and we promise, well be your lucky charm to a beautiful love life. [Read: How to be witty 25 ways to win everyone over with your charm]. 100 of the best clean jokes and one-liners The day shes discharged, she exits the hospital with a swagger, crosses the street, and is immediately hit by an ambulance and killed. A labracadabrador. ' Misir Doobay, Toronto, I dont need it, but Ill tell you who does Jen Statsky, writer. That evening, he decides to go out. A mother asks her young sons what they want for breakfast. You havent been here a while, havent you? I asked. The satisfactory. All Im saying is, if you caught me, then you were speeding too., 44. One looks over at the other and says: Hey, do you know how to drive this thing?. How will you escape this highly dangerous situation? The detective asks, Is that your husband? Yes, replies the woman. Being broken up with. He was just going through a stage. Where's my popcorn? The businessman asks for a Coke. No problem, the sales clerk answered. Three girls walked up to me saying they were too scared to walk in the cemetery at night, so I agreed to let them walk with me. As they hurtle towards the ground, the parrot says to the terrified man, Wow, that took a lot of guts for a guy with no wings.Anonymous. As a result, while in uniform, Im often mistaken for a flight attendant, a ticket agent, or even a snack bar employee. Whether its the swift one-liners of Tim Vine or Milton Jones, or a more traditionally structured joke, these quick-fire quips will have your friends rolling around on the floor. This is your great-grandma and great grandpa, I told my grandson as I handed him a photo of my parents. . Good players are hard to find. These funny animal pictures are sure to crack you up! Next time you're at a loss for words, try out one of these one-liners andwatch your popularity soar!*. Both as a joke, but also because she was peeved, Alyshah then moved . 3.. We dont serve your type! shouts the barman. As a scarecrow, people say Im outstanding in my field. Dont go down that road. ._2a172ppKObqWfRHr8eWBKV{-ms-flex-negative:0;flex-shrink:0;margin-right:8px}._39-woRduNuowN7G4JTW4I8{margin-top:12px}._136QdRzXkGKNtSQ-h1fUru{display:-ms-flexbox;display:flex;margin:8px 0;width:100%}.r51dfG6q3N-4exmkjHQg_{font-size:10px;font-weight:700;letter-spacing:.5px;line-height:12px;text-transform:uppercase;-ms-flex-pack:justify;justify-content:space-between;-ms-flex-align:center;align-items:center}.r51dfG6q3N-4exmkjHQg_,._2BnLYNBALzjH6p_ollJ-RF{display:-ms-flexbox;display:flex}._2BnLYNBALzjH6p_ollJ-RF{margin-left:auto}._1-25VxiIsZFVU88qFh-T8p{padding:0}._2nxyf8XcTi2UZsUInEAcPs._2nxyf8XcTi2UZsUInEAcPs{color:var(--newCommunityTheme-widgetColors-sidebarWidgetTextColor)} We missed the R! Jokes. The blind man heads for the bathroom but accidentally enters the third door, which leads to the swimming pool, and he falls in. Now he wont come when I call him. Hes done it again!, When I lost my rifle, the Army charged me $85. No, he responded. What did you write in the ad? his wife asks. I found them. Unfortunately, by that point, the opportunity is long gone. Get the very best of LovePanky straight to your inbox! Here are 75 short jokes anyone can remember! Submitted by Christina Melton, I wouldnt want to fly Virgin. ._3oeM4kc-2-4z-A0RTQLg0I{display:-ms-flexbox;display:flex;-ms-flex-pack:justify;justify-content:space-between} Love you too. Laughfactory.com, Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? 20 of the most absurdly funny quotes from Nathan Barley First, lets make sure hes dead., Theres a silence, then a shot. I hate sitting in traffic, because I always get run over. Milton Jones, Two fish are sitting in a tank. Submitted by Ryan George, Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine. God says, No. You didnt look to your right, yelled the frightened inspector. Dont miss this collection of the best knock knock jokes for kids. There are no fish under the ice! He ignores it and moves to another area, cuts a hole, and tosses his line in. Months? I typed Bitch into my GPS and guess what? Sometimes, people just need to be told. It never really took off. Milton Jones, Recently I went on a ballooning holiday I put on four stone! Milton Jones. The first one says, Weeoouhh. The next whale says, Shut up, Steve. Relationships are a lot like Algebra. Submitted by Kerry Hagan, Q: Where do loose tea leaves go to rest while theyre camping? Whenever we'd start talking and she didn't want to hear it she would sing, "Oh the monkey wrapped his tail around the flag pole, to wipe his butt hole, and see the world! Especially if youve got hay fever. Milton Jones. ._9ZuQyDXhFth1qKJF4KNm8{padding:12px 12px 40px}._2iNJX36LR2tMHx_unzEkVM,._1JmnMJclrTwTPpAip5U_Hm{font-size:16px;font-weight:500;line-height:20px;color:var(--newCommunityTheme-bodyText);margin-bottom:40px;padding-top:4px;text-align:left;margin-right:28px}._2iNJX36LR2tMHx_unzEkVM{-ms-flex-align:center;align-items:center;display:-ms-flexbox;display:flex}._2iNJX36LR2tMHx_unzEkVM ._24r4TaTKqNLBGA3VgswFrN{margin-left:6px}._306gA2lxjCHX44ssikUp3O{margin-bottom:32px}._1Omf6afKRpv3RKNCWjIyJ4{font-size:18px;font-weight:500;line-height:22px;border-bottom:2px solid var(--newCommunityTheme-line);color:var(--newCommunityTheme-bodyText);margin-bottom:8px;padding-bottom:8px}._2Ss7VGMX-UPKt9NhFRtgTz{margin-bottom:24px}._3vWu4F9B4X4Yc-Gm86-FMP{border-bottom:1px solid var(--newCommunityTheme-line);margin-bottom:8px;padding-bottom:2px}._3vWu4F9B4X4Yc-Gm86-FMP:last-of-type{border-bottom-width:0}._2qAEe8HGjtHsuKsHqNCa9u{font-size:14px;font-weight:500;line-height:18px;color:var(--newCommunityTheme-bodyText);padding-bottom:8px;padding-top:8px}.c5RWd-O3CYE-XSLdTyjtI{padding:8px 0}._3whORKuQps-WQpSceAyHuF{font-size:12px;font-weight:400;line-height:16px;color:var(--newCommunityTheme-actionIcon);margin-bottom:8px}._1Qk-ka6_CJz1fU3OUfeznu{margin-bottom:8px}._3ds8Wk2l32hr3hLddQshhG{font-weight:500}._1h0r6vtgOzgWtu-GNBO6Yb,._3ds8Wk2l32hr3hLddQshhG{font-size:12px;line-height:16px;color:var(--newCommunityTheme-actionIcon)}._1h0r6vtgOzgWtu-GNBO6Yb{font-weight:400}.horIoLCod23xkzt7MmTpC{font-size:12px;font-weight:400;line-height:16px;color:#ea0027}._33Iw1wpNZ-uhC05tWsB9xi{margin-top:24px}._2M7LQbQxH40ingJ9h9RslL{font-size:12px;font-weight:400;line-height:16px;color:var(--newCommunityTheme-actionIcon);margin-bottom:8px} In the piano! He goes up to the pub, and sure enough, the bouncer says, "I can't let you in here with that dog." He replies, "Oh, I'm blind and this is my seeing-eye dog." The bouncer says, "Ok then, come on in." The second guy sees this and does the same thing. He looked me in the eyes and said, 'Son, how far do you think I can kick this bucket? Want more of the best Readers Digest jokes of all time? It was a long, dramatic, drawn-out way of telling us to shut-up. The fellow was being sold a very cheap suit. The doctor says, Larry, everything looks great. First, the psychiatrist treated the pessimist. Im following the one who called me miss. The Hello, maam one should take note. @anniemumary. 100 of Homer Simpsons greatest quotes Could I have a few words with George?Submitted by David Miteff, An investment banker decides she needs in-house counsel, so she interviews a young lawyer. The burial service for the elderly woman climaxed with a massive clap of thunder, followed by a bolt of lightning, accompanied by even more thunder. Im friends with 25 letters of the alphabet. But when it gets bad, I take something for it. Ken Dodd. Submitted by Stephanie Finlayson. Jenna and Bill are finishing up a dinner date. They got six months each. Alex Del Bene. It says, Do not feed. You couldn't organise a piss up in a brewery, He couldn't get his hole in a barrel of fannies._3K2ydhts9_ES4s9UpcXqBi{display:block;padding:0 16px;width:100%} And now I spend my days reading to the residents of a retirement home., The guy is flabbergasted. Let her spell small animals, not big ones, said her mom. Amazing! the man says. Whats the matter? the psychiatrist asked. "c**tpuffin, "It's always hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they're always taking things literally. and Photobombed. Submitted by Andre Batista. Im coming to live with you.Submitted by Joan Vercueil, A couple of cockroaches are munching on the contents of a garbage can in a deserted alley. Submitted by Eric Lyden, I went to the butchers the other day and bet him $50 that he couldnt reach the meat on the top shelf. Its all very well and good having a range of smartass quotes in your armory, but how do you deliver them in the right way? He approaches the dead man's wife, and asks if he could say a word. A: Lavion rose. Why did the chicken go to the sance? I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said Analogue? I said No, just a watch. It can be a potent form of flirtation and seduction. She then reassured him by adding, Now, if you do everything Ive told you, you wont be with us for long.. Me: Yes. Submitted by Faith Lackey, A: Breathe! In an intimate partnership, we are going to step on each others toes from time to time. If you fell in a bucket of tits, you'd come out sucking your thumb. A man is struggling to find a parking space. What happened to ya?, Sol says, Me pirate ship was attacked, and a lucky shot lopped off me leg. We went back to her place and made passionate love for hours., The priest pauses. How many times did you hit him? asks the detective. A: One, but he waits until the last minute to cram it in. Its a talking clock, the drunk replied. Its shift work. Im not very good at advice. When I feel down and someone tells me to suck it up, I get the urge to break their legs with a baseball bat and then say walk it off.. One day, I was brushing my teeth in the restroom before a flight when a woman walked in.

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